Finis

Two long years of hurt,
of loneliness, some discovery,
uncertainty, some tenacity,
Waiting to hear the words
that will set me free --
free at last.

Finally I hear them,
hear them in every part of my being,
ripping through me.
Not with exultation as I had expected
but with aching, twisting pain.

I wasn't prepared for the pain,
the sadness, the mourning,
As if something vital and important
has died a long, slow
yet sudden death.

I feel the lump in my throat,
tears slipping from my eyes
As I hear, "You are no longer man and wife --
divorce is hereby granted,
you are both free to go."

Free to go? Go where?
Go alone? He has my children.
How did that come to be?
I've been alone for two long years
but this alone is so -- final.

I loved him once,
part of me does yet,
maybe always will,
But not enough to live on.

That part of my life is over,
blown away like chaff in a field.
What's ahead?

The long, slow process of rebuilding --
this time on the solid foundation
of me -- because I still AM.
I do have me and I have others
who respect that ME
as he never did or could.

I know I can do it,
I'm prepared to do it,
I just wasn't prepared for the sadness,
the sense of a deep, real loss.

Did I win or did he?
Neither. Neither.
There was no victor in this war.
Rather, I lost the most --
I lost my children.

I do have me -- whole, strong, healthy,
I can go on.
I just wasn't prepared for the sadness.
-9/23/82