Finis

Two long years of hurt,
of loneliness, some discovery,
uncertainty, some tenacity,
Waiting to hear the words
that will set me free --
free at last.

Finally I hear them,
hear them in every part of my being,
ripping through me.
Not with exultation as I had expected
but with aching, twisting pain.

I wasn't prepared for the pain,
the sadness, the mourning,
As if something vital and important
has died a long, slow
yet sudden death.

I feel the lump in my throat,
tears slipping from my eyes
As I hear, "You are no longer man and wife --
divorce is hereby granted,
you are both free to go."

Free to go? Go where?
Go alone? He has my children.
How did that come to be?
I've been alone for two long years
but this alone is so -- final.

I loved him once,
part of me does yet,
maybe always will,
But not enough to live on.

That part of my life is over,
blown away like chaff in a field.
What's ahead?

The long, slow process of rebuilding --
this time on the solid foundation
of me -- because I still AM.
I do have me and I have others
who respect that ME
as he never did or could.

I know I can do it,
I'm prepared to do it,
I just wasn't prepared for the sadness,
the sense of a deep, real loss.

Did I win or did he?
Neither. Neither.
There was no victor in this war.
Rather, I lost the most --
I lost my children.

I do have me -- whole, strong, healthy,
I can go on.
I just wasn't prepared for the sadness.
-9/23/82

Time

We think of time as endless
Of years and years ahead
We think we'll go forever
Our book of life unread.

In youth, we played with life,
We dared it to be real,
We laughed and did whate'er we pleased,
Took life as no big deal.

Then maturity comes along,
We still think life owes us,
"God? I'll think of Him someday,
Have to run to catch a bus!"

There is so much we'd like to do,
But think, "Not now, no time,"
A kindness that we might have shown,
An easing of a mind.

We think, "When I get older,
I'll have more time to spend."
But time cannot be bought and saved,
It soon comes to an end.

And then the clock stops ticking,
And we're afraid to die,
We cry to God, so sorry then,
That we have passed Him by.

We ask Him to forgive us,
For all our many crimes,
His eyes are sad, He's crying now,
"I'm sorry, there's no time."
- 1980

First Things First

If i were prettier
Would you love me?
If I were smarter
Would you love me then?
If I were thinner
Would you want me?
If I were braver
Would you admire me?
If I were famous
Would you adore me?
If I were young
Would you desire me?

I would be all these things
If you first ---- just ----
---loved me.
-1984

Disintegration

I feel as though I'm crumbling
into a lot of little pieces.
I haven't felt this way
for a long time.

My past is shattering around me,
My present, not much better.
My future, not so bright.

The brightest light in my world
is boarding a plane tomorrow
and with this daughter goes my being -
I can't BE without her.

She's with me always in my heart
but each time she goes away from me,
A new hole is ripped inside.

I feel so trembly, so weak,
so unsure,
Like I'm going to tumble
and crash upon the ground.
It doesn't feel good.

I've picked up pieces before
and made a stronger me.
I just wonder how many times
I have to do so
Before the Crazy Glue that I use
to patch myself with each time
doesn't become brittle
But finally takes hold
until I mend for good
And become an honest-to-goodness
whole, healthy person.

Don't believe the advertising --
Crazy Glue does not hold a ton,
It doesn't even hold a heart together
for very long.

12/30/87

Even As She Sleeps

Eyes closed
Long dusky lashes
Against soft, pink cheeks
Mouth slightly open
A little arm flung above her head
Blonde-brown hair splayed upon the pillow.
I brush my lips across her baby-smooth face
My breath catches in my throat
At the beauty of her innocence, her youth
Yet awed by the premature wisdom shining from within --
Even as she sleeps.

I gaze down at her and wonder
If she dreams as her eyelids flutter
Does she feel confusion, hurt or pain
Or is it possible she is secure
Knowing she is loved beyond all doubt --
Even as she sleeps.

Are there questions in her mind
That can't be answered?
Does she love me as she did before?
As much as I love her?
No, she never could, not half as much.
My love for her bursts through my being
I will it to enter her mind, her heart, her soul --
Even as she sleeps.

I silently beg her to understand
Why I'm not there for her every night
To tuck her in, to hear her prayers
To protect her, to assure her --
Even as she sleeps.

I snuggle in beside her, kiss her once more
Pull her warm little body next to mine
My tears fall on her hair, her cheeks, her eyes
She sighs deeply, and seeking a more comfortable position
Turns away from me --
Even as she sleeps.

I touch her hair, she moves --
Her arms go around me
And I weep for something lost
Something precious to both of us.
I age ten years in one night
Every other weekend --
Even as she sleeps.
-1984